Stewing over problems, replaying arguments or continuous worrying can lead to high blood pressure and later health problems, according to a UC Irvine-led study. [1]
So how do we build resilience in the workforces and when our media, news and culture is addicted to whining about how terrible the world is and how bad our problems are?
Culture is often an external reflection of the internal mindset of the individuals.
I recently bumped into a good friend whom I haven't spoken to in almost 6 months.
Whilst I was really happy to see her, she seemed somewhat reserved and uptight.
After a few minutes of catch up conversation, she plucked up the courage and said:
"I have to clear something up with you. Six months ago you said something that really
upset me (...she then went on to explain what it was). I felt very hurt for a while, and that's why I have been a little distant".
At this point my head does a '360'.
I had no idea all this was going on - I just assumed she was busy with life. I had a sudden swirl of emotions going through me - should I apologise for what I said? Should I show compassion and empathy for their pain? Should I become angry and defensive and argue with her over who is right/wrong?
No. There was a bigger issue here. Instead, I blasted her with these three issues:
1. What a waste of emotional energy!
Of all the things she could have been focusing her energy and time on, why would she
choose something as unsubstantial and negatively consuming as this?
Of all the creative ideas, innovations and positive thoughts that could be taking up space
in her head, she chose to fill it with pain and resentment. What a waste of time!
2. What was the purpose of holding onto that?
Why would you let something like this go on for so long and impair a good friendship?
What did you gain from holding onto resentment? Self righteousness? The need to be right? The ability to justify your anger and blame someone for your problems? What was the point?
3. Was it worth it?
What did all that nonsense cost you? You could have had a friendship, connection
created memories, and had a lot more fun. Was the resentment worth giving all of that away?
Think about how this applies in your own professional-business life.
How often do you, and the people around you, fall into the trap of behaving like children by holding onto resentment.
In a business world that keeps getting busier, more demanding, and intense - a world that allows us to become isolated with our computers and email, it is more important than ever to not waste time and energy in unnecessary emotional tension.
Think about these three points
1. Where are you wasting emotional energy?
Do you have clients who have been rude or impolite to your team? Rather than be resentful, forgive them for being self absorbed and move forward.
Do you work with people who intimidate through power or status? Rather than holding
onto your anger, forgive them for being childish and emotionally immature.
Stop investing time and energy into pent up emotions that only hurt you.
In business, relationships are everything. You cannot afford to let your emotional immaturities obstruct your professional effectiveness.
2. Let go of the benefit
You get something out of being resentful. That is one of the reasons it can be
difficult to let it go. Holding onto resentment may allow you to be 'right', or it may justify your misery (allowing you to stay stuck, but blame someone else for how you feel) and hence may give you permission to be negative, disengaged, or unsuccessful.
EVERY behavior you have has a payoff. Know what your is.
Your image, relatability and approachability are all reliant on your emotional 'togetherness'. To lead, connect, build rapport and work effectively with others, you need to let go of your emotional hang-ups that can your professional reputation.
One of my favourite pieces of advice (and one that i find most difficult to follow) is
'you can be right or you can be free'.
3. Realise the cost
This is akin to the old saying 'cut off your nose to spite your face' and 'win the battle, but lose the war'. Step outside your situation and look objectively at how your resentments have impacted on your relationships in your personal and professional life. What relationships have you walked away from because of unspoken tension? All that time and effort you invested into building that relationship all lost in one miscommunication.
Friendships abandoned, networking opportunities lost, business connections forfeited, strong teams never realized because of emotional tension that is not dealt with.
Consider the monetary cost of a non cohesive work-team, an unhappy customer,
a unsatisfied client, or misunderstood manager. Step up and have the courage
to address issues before they disappear under the carpet forever.
